Pudding, Orange Slushies, Romance Novels & You
by Amanda N. Lupin
Summary: The hell with crossing the line, a guilt-riddled Cal can't sit by and watch Dr. Foster's life fall apart after she leaves her husband Alec. Can he ever hope convince her of a life worth living after Alec, with him?
1. Chapter 1

Gillian awoke with a start after rolling over on her bandaged arm, shit that had hurt. Sitting up gingerly to rub her arm, willing the pain to a dull throb she checked the clock. 4:30 am. Too soon to take any more of her painkillers. She sighed settling herself back into the nest of pillows she'd created before bursting into tears.

4:30am. Where was Alec? Where had he been when the hospital and Cal had tried to reach him after she'd been attacked? What was it that Cal always said? "Truth or happiness, you can't have both." She shuddered, he was right, knowing couldn't possibly make her feel any better. It was a mark of just how heartbroken she was that she lay there wishing he were out getting high instead of the alternative. She wished she didn't know better, didn't know that in all likelihood it could very well be both.

What was it he was getting from them she couldn't give him? Was she so inadequate? If anyone else had raised such doubts she would have immediately gone into "Dr. Foster-mode," provided the very stoic advice and counsel they needed to hear, but not now. No, the 'what ifs' and 'now whats' assaulted her again and again. She couldn't stay here anymore. Another three hours and she'd be in the office anyway, she sighed heavily as she stepped out of her pajamas and began shrugging on her work clothes.

Damn it was hard to pack one-handed. How long had she been at it, and all she'd managed was her toothbrush and paste, and a few other essentials. Cal would help you, a little voice nagged. No, she couldn't do that. It was too early, and he was getting Emily tomorrow, well today, she amended thoughtfully. What time was it? Oh, she'd forgotten she hurled the clock across the room in her hurt and frustration. 4:36am. Broken. Like her marriage. Like her. Finally she zipped up her suitcase and lugged it down the stairs with her good arm.

'No more Alec. I want a divorce. -Gillian'

She didn't know where the strength to write it came from, only that she had to leave before the weaker part of her changed her mind and destroyed it. Wait, one more thing. Depositing her chocolate pudding pack and a plastic spoon on the passenger seat beside her, she turned the key and the engine roared to life. Something had told her she would be needing those before this was all over.

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This is my very first "Lie to Me" fanfic, so please feel free to leave your thoughts and reviews. Help me make my writing even better.


	2. Chapter 2

"Foster?" Gillian groaned, swatting away at the hand shaking her shoulder. "Ouch," muttered the intruder as her sleepy hand made contact with her face. "That's a pretty mean right-hook you've got there," he chuckled.

"Cal?" she whispered softly, her hand stopping to cup his cheek as she slowly opened her eyes. "Hi," she smiled softly.

"Hi, love," he smiled back, his hand still resting gently on her shoulder. "What are you doing here, you know you could have taken the day off."

"Did you?" she chuckled softly, her thumb softly sliding across his still swollen lip before her hand dropped to his bandaged palm, turning it over to examine. "Hello Kitty?" she laughed, he shrugged but laughed appreciatively.

"Emily," he smiled. "So what's the story?" He asked a little more seriously, watching her tense and put back up her walls.

"What story?" Oh no, you're not going to get away being evasive with me, love, Cal thought settling onto the couch beside her before helping her up into a sitting position.

"Well, it's still awfully early for you to be in, and you're sleeping on your couch. That enough, love or should I mention the suitcase by the door?" Sadness. Guilt. Regret. Perhaps he'd pushed too hard.

Suddenly she was hugging him as though he was the final thread of her rope and letting go meant falling into a dark abyss of nothingness. Taken aback Cal tried to pull back just slightly so he wouldn't crush her arm, but she didn't seem to care, pulling tighter against him, her tears falling onto his shirt. He knew it was Alec. Knew it even before he'd nearly broke his neck on her suitcase. Knew it as soon as he'd seen her light on at her desk, seen her sleeping on her office couch as she had so frequently chided him for doing. He watched her for a moment. Watching someone sleep was far different from studying them in waking hours, no walls. She looked peaceful in sleep as he had scarcely seen, at least genuinely, these past few weeks. Damn him. What did she dream of that brought that slight, happy smile to play across her face? Cal thought he heard his name, thought perhaps she might have been awake, eyes merely heavy, before she'd swatted him. He shook his head, he must have imagined it.

"I left Alec a note. I want a divorce," she whispered softly. Good, Cal thought immediately, though he knew he couldn't say as much. Wait, a note? "He never came home last night," she answered in response to his confusion. That bastard, I hope he shows up here today, I'll... Cal fumed. "Cal?" she tested uncertainly.

"I'm sorry. You deserve better."

"You knew..."

"I suspected," he corrected. The only thing he had truly known was that Alec was a lucky, and unappreciative son of a bitch. Cal had never owned a feeling quite like it before, the jealousy, the protectiveness he felt with Foster. 'You should go.' God how it had killed him to, and to respect the line so easily erased where it was drawn in the sand. Being around her, hell even thinking about her, amplified everything one-hundred fold and that careful control over his emotions and expressions became a delicate balance. Bloody hell! Get a grip Lightman, get a grip, even Torres could read you right now.

"You were trying to protect me." Didn't do a very good job of it, he thought darkly.

"Some things you just have to figure out for yourself," Cal shrugged.

"Sage advice."

"Yours," he grinned. "Come on," he said suddenly standing up and offering her a hand to help her up.

"Where are we going?" she asked uncertainly, brushing the tears from her face.

"Don't you trust me?" Cal hoped, rather than believed he'd hidden the momentary disappointment from his voice. God he'd been so stupid, of course Jenkins would send his protege after her, anyone that walked into the Lightman building could see how extraordinarily close the two were. God he wished he could take it back, or tell her what a fool he'd been. He'd fed her to the lions, offered her up as a sacrifice just as easily as Alec had. He was no better. And no end, however great was worth losing her, hurting her. She took his hand, but as he helped her up noticed the momentary lapse and betrayal of his emotions-guilt, regret, shame, he struggled to conceal. Their eyes met and held their gaze. "I'm sorry." She couldn't reply, she was lost in his deep and watery eyes, his voice so thick with emotion, and could only shake her head, taking up his hand once more. It didn't matter where they were going, it was away, away with Cal, and however foolish it made her she did trust him. Even as she had been snatched, felt herself being dragged, her arm popping out of it's socket, she never doubted he would find her, wouldn't rest until he found her, until she was safe. She trusted Cal Lightman with her life.


	3. Chapter 3

"Cal," Gillian called, jumping out of her car to chase after him. "Cal! Cal Lightman!" she hollered, suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks and whipped about to face her before she could stop advancing causing her to crash into his chest. Cal stumbled for only a moment before grabbing her by the shoulders to steady her.

"Yes, love?"

"Don't you 'yes, love' me. You said breakfast and coffee..." Gillian fumed, though she couldn't truly muster being mad at him, just indignant.

"Which I have ever intention of providing for you," Cal grinned holding open the door for her. "You're surprised, embarrassed, but you're not angry with me."

"Stop that. You knew when you said coffee and breakfast that I would think..."

"Don't be ridiculous, I would never presume to know the inner-workings of you thought process."

"Assuming you were leading the way to a cafe or restaurant was a perfectly reasonable hypothesis..."

"Except that if you were basing that conclusion on past experience, you will recall we've always walked to our cafes and restaurants, and your hypothesis fails to account for chaos-human unpredictability and impulse-decisions. Now, shall we step in? It's a bit chilly, and I believe it's considerably warmer inside."

"Smart-ass," Gillian mumbled as she stepped inside.

"And yet, you followed me into the bowels of suburbia and into the lion's den," Cal chuckled, taking her coat. "So how'd you like your eggs, love?"

"Cal," Gillian began, but as he peered over the fridge she couldn't finish. Come on, love, let me help, Cal thought somewhat desperately.

"Look, you're here, and it's a sight better than those damn puddings I saw on your desk. So what can I get you?"

"Scrambled, and a little runny, please," she conceded, Cal nodded and began busying himself over the stove.

"Can I help?"

"Nah, sit down, relax. Anything else?" Coffee. Cream and two sugars? What else?"

"Some toast," she asked hopefully.

"You got it," he beamed. God Cal, how can it be so easy to make you happy, and impossible to please and keep Alec, Gillian thought sadly. Looking back over his shoulder Cal instantly recognized the micro-expressions she tried desperately to hide with false bravado and a plastered smile. Saddness. Guilt. Regret. "Fost-- Gil, please don't." The use of her rarely employed nickname did the trick, her attention snapped back to Cal.

"Don't think like that sweetheart, don't you dare do that to yourself. Now that you're leaving him, well even if I still shouldn't I'll say it-he's an idiot. He'd have to be to risk losing you, hurting you, incurring my wrath... There. There's a smile, so you can still do it," Gillian smiled weakly up at him through tear-filled eyes. Damn you Cal. "Don't ever think it was your fault, or somehow you deserved this, never."

He had wound his way around the small island now, to wrap his arms around her gently, brushing an errant strand of hair from her face before bestowing a chaste kiss on her forehead. "You deserve a better man than Alec, on his best day, could ever hope to be." And heaven help me, you make me want to be that man, he thought staring down into her beautiful wet blue eyes. "Christ the eggs!" He jumped, as the smoke alarm began to sound. He breathed a sigh of relief as he reached the pan, they were fine. It must have been all the steam that set it off.

Gillian watched his back thoughtfully. Pity, that smoke alarm interrupting. She hadn't wanted to leave that spot, maybe ever. Cal's warm and strong arms wrapped around her, his chin resting on top of her head, fingers absentmindedly caressing her arm and combing through her hair. It felt safe. Cal had always made her feel safe. He never lied to her, even when perhaps he should have. Would never dream of abandoning her like Alec had.

"Runny scrambled eggs on toast, and your coffee," he smiled as she dove into her breakfast as it had been days since she'd last eaten, before reminding himself, it may well have been besides those blasted puddings.

"Cal?"

"Yes, love?"

"Thank you," she whispered taking him by surprise with a brief and delicate kiss on the cheek.

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Much thanks to all my readers, and all those who left me reviews and feedback: ibroughthomeababybumblebee, GaiaGrl, CallianLuv, AurumWolf21, Pol, and especially Princess-Leasel-very pleased to hear you are enjoying my story and it is an honor to hear you think I am doing these beloved characters justice in my interpretation of them. You all help me become a better writer, and provide you with even better stories, so thanks.

Again this is my very first Callian/Lie to Me fanfiction, so if you are just joining this story, please feel free to leave me a comment, your thoughts on the story, the characters, etc. I am always appreciative of positive feedback.

Yours Sincerely,

Amanda N. Lupin


	4. Chapter 4

Cal was watching her sleep for the second time that morning, stretched out across the couch, her head in his lap. Gently combing his fingers through her hair so as not to wake her. She trusted him. God only knew how or why, but she trusted him. Felt safe enough to fall asleep in his lap. Cal shook himself, he was likely making something out of nothing. She was tired, he could see that back at the office, had made sure her coffee was a decaf for that express reason. She wasn't going in today, she was going to get some well deserved rest, even if he had to stay here all day to make sure of it. A long weekend would do her good, and surely the office couldn't fall completely to pieces with both it's bosses gone for one day. Suddenly she whimpered in her sleep, her body stiffening.

"It's alright, love. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," he whispered soothingly. Her body seemed to relax at the sound of his voice, a micro-expression of happiness flitting across her face as she turned sleepily to bury her head in his chest, inhaling his scent and letting out a soft sigh. Alec was an absolute idiot.

With careful slowness Cal managed to wriggle out from under Gillian without waking her, and gathering her up in his arms managed to carry her up the stairs to the spare bedroom. She stirred softly in his arms as he sat her gently down on the bed. Rats.

"Cal?" she mumbled confused, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Shh, relax. Go back to sleep," Cal whispered.

"What about work?"

"You're not going," he replied simply, a slight smile tugging at his lips as he pulled the sheets up around her.

"Cal?" she whispered more insistently grabbing his wrist with surprising strength as he began a quiet retreat for the door. "Stay. Please?"

"Gil," Cal started nervously.

"Just hold me?" she whispered softly.

He could have held her forever, would, given the chance. Just hold her, if that was the best he could get. He'd settled for months now for the briefest touches, stolen moments with her that should never have been. Survived on the mere sound of her name being spoken, her voice, her cheery tinkling laughter, her brilliant smiles of course they had become increasingly more rare these past few weeks. Damn him. Where was the line now? When did being her best friend and comforter become something else, something far more significant?

"I can't pretend to be him, Gil," Cal cautioned gently. Please, love, he prayed silently. I'd do anything you ask, but don't ask me that. You'll destroy me, he thought terrified, blessing the darkness of the room which concealed his fearful expression. She held his fate entirely in her hands.

"I don't want you to Cal." His name in her gentle voice was his undoing. His kryptonite.

He hesitated as she pulled back the sheets, before gently crawling in to lie beside her.


	5. Chapter 5

Apologies, I know the last chapter was extremely short, but hopefully still satisfied your Callian/Lie to Me fix. In any case, what follows is a much longer chapter, hopefully providing you with more of our favorite duo, and perhaps a little long anticipated peek into their history. Enjoy! And please feel free to review. ^_^

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Gillian felt Cal's body relax and eventually fall asleep beside her, unconsciously pulling her closer to him, wrapping his body around hers. She could feel his heartbeat, slow, steady, and strong against her breast as she nestled her head into his chest, breathing in the scent that could only ever be Cal's, and sighing softly. Even in her sleepy state, in that dimly lit room, she had seen it: seen the walls and many masks of Cal Lightman stripped away. Had heard it in his voice-fear. "I can't pretend to be him, Gil." Relief-when she had replied she didn't want him to.

There was something there. Always had been if she was honest with herself. Drawing a line in the sand, not talking about it... none of it changed the fact that this unspecified, unquantified relationship existed between they two.

He looked so much younger in sleep than in waking. None of the lines, the stress etched on his face, the carefully drawn masks and tightly held reigns on whatever it was Cal Lightman thought or felt. Looked more like the man she had met and fell in love with ten years earlier. This admission, though only to herself startled her, but immediately she knew it to be true. She was in love with Cal Lightman, had been smitten since the day she met him. Of course, he had had Zoe then-and Emily. She couldn't possibly hate Emily. Only five then, full of spunk, and life, the spitting image of Cal, still is, she thought smiling. But Zoe, try as she might to get to know her, get along with her, like her for Cal's sake, she had never warmed up to as she had with Emily. Whether or not it was because she disliked her as a person, or resented her on principle for having everything she longed for, Gillian had never been able to say for sure. But Zoe made little effort to observe even the most basic of civilities with her. "She's afraid of you," Cal had confided later. "She doesn't understand what we share, and that scares her, and the way Emily talks about you... She's afraid she's being replaced."

Whatever the case, she had been forced to watch Zoe toy with him for years and when her amusement ceased, throw him out with yesterday's news, and still he crawled back to her. It had hurt her, much more than she cared to admit then. But what right did she have to be angry? Cal was her best friend, and she was a married woman. How was his running back to Zoe any different than her willfully ignoring Alec's many lies for so long? Too afraid of what she might find if she were to investigate.

Gillian had seen Cal at his worst. Drinking excessively, not sleeping, scarcely eating (let alone real meals), coming into work in yesterday and the day-before' clothes... He was admittedly still a bit cynical, given to bouts of pessimism, teasing her generally optimistic view of the world, but somehow without it need being said she knew. Knew that he appreciated having her around, her gentler approach to their cases to supplement his direct, alienating methods, her cheerful moods to lift his own.

Cal had seen her at worst. Had given her the room to make her own decisions and mistakes, but had worried about her, tried to protect her. He couldn't have known that this would be a mistake she would have to make herself, and suffer the consequences alone, that only after getting into her marriage would she realize she had gone into it for all the wrong reasons. Couldn't have shielded her from it anymore than she could have saved him from Zoe, and yet they were both alike that way. Stubborn, fiercely loyal, and fought blindly to protect the people they cared about, whatever the personal costs they incurred.

They saw everything. All the little white lies we hope the world won't notice, the people we pretend to be, the people we really are, and that fathomless gap that separates them. They knew the ugly truths and habits of each other. Their pet-peeves, loves, their hates. They saw everything within each other for all it's beauty, and all it's hideousness, and cared about each other in spite of it, maybe because of it. No one outside of they two could ever hope to quite comprehend it, no wonder Zoe didn't like it.

Thank god they were done working with her. Gillian hoped rather than believed it would be the last time she would need their help. Let her marry that rich idiot from the hill, and leave Cal alone, leave Cal with me.

"Gil," Cal mumbled softly in his sleep, wrapping his arms a little tighter about her.

"I love you," Gillian tested softly on his sleeping form. She watched as a slight smile danced across his relaxed slumbering features, before settling back into his arms once more and finally allowing her exhaustion to overtake her.

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Much thanks to all my readers, and all those who left me reviews and feedback: ChocoLover1331, Princess-Leasel, Silla123, Stars-gp-blue, Pol, and Ripely

Very pleased to hear you are enjoying my story and it is an honor to hear you think I am doing these beloved characters justice in my interpretation of them.

Again this is my very first Callian/Lie to Me fanfiction, so if you are just joining this story, please feel free to leave me a comment, your thoughts on the story, the characters, etc. I am always appreciative of positive feedback. You all help me become a better writer, and provide you with even better stories, so thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

Amanda N. Lupin


	6. Chapter 6

Cal couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so peacefully, undisrupted, couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so rested. Gillian stirred beside him, waking shortly thereafter, sitting up to smile softly at him. Careful love, I could get used to this all too easily, Cal thought smiling back at her.

For a moment, nothing was said, they merely smiled at each other, staring into the depths of each other's eyes. It was nice to see him smiling, Gillian thought happily. His smiles, were but a rumor around the office, especially since they had begun working with Zoe. Such unreserved demonstrations of happiness were saved, only for Emily, and now her.

Cal resisted the urge to curse, and further spoil whatever it was that had just passed between them as his cell phone rang. Damn, both thought simultaneously.

"Sorry love," Gillian shook her head still smiling, and excused herself to the bathroom. "Loker. You really don;t want back on the payroll do you?"

"I'll risk it, this isn't strictly work-related." Cal was on the verge of asking why the hell Loker was bothering him if it wasn't related to work, before the young man, perhaps sensing his boss' frustration forged ahead. "You at home?"

"I don't see how where I am on a personal day should matter, much less be any of your business."

"He is," Cal head another voice say.

"Torres? Am I on speaker?"

"Hi Lightman, Foster with you?"

"What?"

"Affirmative," Loker declared. Cal was torn between calling them on their cockiness, and defending why Foster was at his place. The latter might only arouse suspicions about his motives. What business of theirs was it whether Foster was with him or not? Perhaps he'd trained them a little too well.

"I thought I made it clear I didn't want to be bothered with phone calls today. What did you two want?"

"Foster's husband came in looking for her," Loker supplied.

"Shit," Cal muttered, more to himself than the pair on the other end.

"Yeah, he was furious, demanding to know where she was. Seemed like he might have been strung out too."

"We told him you were out on a case, but I don't think he bought it," Torres supplied nervously. "Security just escorted him out a few minutes ago."

"We figured you'd want to know,"

"Loker?"

"Yeah?"

"Fill out a time-sheet for this past week, I'll sign off on it on Monday. And Torres?"

"Yes?"

"If he shows up again, call me."

....................

Eli stood open mouthed in front of the phone which was now echoing a dial tone. Ria smiled. "I think that's as close to a thank you as you're going to get from Lightman."

"I'll never doubt your judgement again," he swore.

"Yes you will, you'll just have to make it up to me."

"Definitely."

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Much thanks to all my readers, and all those who left me reviews and feedback: ChocoLover1331, Silla123, AlabamaBound, Pol, Victorias7, bevfanK, and Syldefish.

Very pleased to hear you are enjoying my story and it is an honor to hear you think I am doing these beloved characters justice in my interpretation of them.

Again this is my very first Callian/Lie to Me fanfiction, so if you are just joining this story, please feel free to leave me a comment, your thoughts on the story, the characters, etc. I am always appreciative of positive feedback. You all help me become a better writer, and provide you with even better stories, so thanks.

Yours Sincerely,

Amanda N. Lupin


	7. Chapter 7

"Gil-" Cal began shouting down the hall. The loud ringing of the doorbell interrupted, washing out the rest of her name. Damn. "Nevermind, I'll be right back," he called. "Alec." Cal grimaced, the last person he'd wanted to see. Even Zoe would have been a welcomer sight.

"Where's my wife?" Alec shouted. Your wife, Cal thought indignantly, some husband you were to her. Not yours for much longer is she? She's never going back to you, not if I have anything to say about it.

"Gillian?" Cal replied, as if there were any other. "As I understand it she's taking a personal day."

"Your understudies seemed to think you were out on a case together."

"Yes, well that's why they are as you say, my understudies. They're still learning."

Alec was becoming visibly more and more frustrated. Cal on the other hand was rather enjoying the game of half-truths he was playing. "You know where she is. I know you do!"

"How's that?"

"You weren't worried when I asked where she was," Alec fumed. Asked? Demanded, more like. Cal smiled rather satisfactorily, which only seemed to anger the other man more. Good, he wasn't as stupid as he looked, perhaps this would be more of a challenge.

"You're right, I do l know where she is. I'm just curious why you don't," Cal replied evenly.

"She won't answer her phone."

"Didn't you see her last night after she arrived home from the hospital?"

Alec blanched, shifting his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Gotcha, Cal smirked. "I was working late."

Cal snorted. "Do me a favor, remind yourself who you're attempting to lie to." Alec raised his gaze to glare at him. "Anger. Contempt. Cut the bullshit, you weren't working late. You were using, and cheating on her," Cal accused.

"You don't know that."

"No, but I do." Both men turned to the stairs where Gillian had silently slunk down to observe the pair of them.

"Gillian," both managed. Damn, Cal had hoped to get rid of him before she had to see him, let her have that well deserved break if only for a little while.

"You're welcome here only so long as she wants to talk to you. Overstay your welcome and I have no problem calling the authorities," and I hope you're carrying as well as using, Cal thought scathingly. Cal managed a nod to Gillian before retreating to the kitchen to give the pair of them some space.

Cal sat in the kitchen, sifting mindlessly through the mail, praying she was stronger than he was. That given the chance she wouldn't go back to someone who could only bring her heartache. Cal kicked himself.

It was a mistake. He was a bloody coward. Not that that excused it, but he should have told her how much he regretted it, how much he really loved her-every minute of every day, every time he saw her, thought of her... How he'd tried to show her, because heaven save him, he was terrified to tell her, for once in his life he couldn't discern what her feelings might have been for him. He should have just come out and said it, instead of waiting for the right moment, which he was now terrified would never come.

If Alec had any brains at all, he was in his living room desperately trying to romance her back. He'd deserve it, Cal thought miserably, Gillian running back to Alec. And even if he did leave without her, Cal wouldn't be able to tell her now. She wouldn't be ready to hear it.


	8. Chapter 8

"I seem to have interrupted your game of house," Alec observed scathingly, glaring at the door through which Cal had just excused himself. "How long after leaving that little love note before you were warming up the other side of his bed?" He's high, she reminded herself evenly, though nearly every part of her was calling for blood. Cal obviously had made a genuine attempt to give them some space, if he'd heard that he would have been back in an instant beating him to a pulp. It wasn't an altogether unpleasant thought, she found herself suppressing a slight smile, but she had to fight this battle herself, or at least try to.

"I don't need to defend myself, and certainly not to you, but I have been nothing but faithful to you," Gillian replied. Alec snorted derisively. "I was attacked by Andrew Jenkins' protege last night. You remember from the news: he kidnapped, blinded, tortured and raped women before letting them go." Alec' laughter died instantly as he visibly paled. Good, Gillian thought, you deserve to be scared, should have been last night... "Cal called the house, called your phone... and you're mad that I wouldn't answer your calls today? Where were you Alec? Every time you've fallen I've been there to pick you up, I tired after Sophie... but you shut me out. But when I need you, you're out getting high and using your support group for speed-dating. So don't you ever put down Cal in front of me, he's always been there when I needed him," Gillian fumed.

"And I suppose that's earned him a status of sainthood, has it?"

"Don't be ridiculous Alec."

"Open your eyes Gillian, he's not completely selfless. I've seen the way he looks at you," Alec growled.

"You should be afraid, you've made it all to easy to find someone who treats me better than you have. If this is your idea of asking for absolution you have a hell of a way of going about it. Why are you here Alec? Your sponsor dump you?"

Alec shifted uncomfortably, this was not going how he had planned. Of course, he had hoped to be wrong about finding her here in the first place. Knowing she had come him, to Cal, unsettled him. "You staying here then? With him?"

"That shouldn't be any of your concern," Gillian replied coldly, refusing to let him see her uncertainty. She didn't know where she was staying yet. She was certain Cal would let her stay here, but could she impose on him like that? Maybe a hotel, outside town wouldn't be too expensive...

"Maybe I should come back," he mumbled finally.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, for you."

"What? Why not?" Alec sputtered. Why not? Why not? Because you're a cheating, coke-addicted bastard. Because I deserve better than being your sloppy seconds. Because you were never the reason for my happiness, only pain and misery. She had to stop, at least staunch the tears until she got rid of him.

"Because next time," Gillian spoke softly, advancing on him. "I let Cal call the cops." Alec hadn't realized she had backed him out onto the porch until the door slammed in his face, and he heard the tell-tell scrape of the lock being bolted.


	9. Chapter 9

Gillian felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped. Shit Cal, hadn't thought about that. He'd been a good boy and sat in the kitchen, but when he'd heard the door slam... Of course she was jumpy, he should have announced himself. "Sorry," he immediately apologized. "It's alright--just me. Didn't mean to sneak up on you..." Cal barely managed to stifle a 'love', inappropriate. Gillian relaxed, or rather collapsed into his arms. He could feel her tears soaking into his shirt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered softly into his shoulder.

"Don't be. You've nothing to apologize for."

"I just thought... I don't know what I thought. Is it horrible that I don't even want to try and work it out?"

"Not a bit of it. You've been trying to work it out for awhile now already."

"I have," she choked. "I'm exhausted. I'm tired of pretending that I don't know, that I'm happy while he's out getting high, and sleeping around." Cal nodded, gently smoothing out her hair in comforting gesture. "I guess I just thought he might have fought a little harder. I didn't think he was going to blame me." Cal pushed thoughts of what he would do to Alec the next time he saw him out of his mind, that wouldn't help Gillian now.

"He's a fucking idiot," Cal blurted out. Wow, where did that come from? You love her, and he's hurt her, that's where. A little harsh, but he didn't fail to notice the brief smile that tugged at her lips where she lay against his chest. "Anyone who could just let you go clearly doesn't have possession of all their faculties. You deserve someone who would fight for you." Tell her, his subconscious urged. Tell her you love her, you would fight for her, prove it. I'd die for her, Cal thought as she nuzzled her cheek into the curve of his neck. Heaven help me.

Gillian sighed contentedly before pulling back slightly, and nearly stumbling as she met his eyes. A micro-expression of something she had only ever caught glimpses of before, and then it was gone. The walls were back up. Clearly he had not expected her to look up. Slowly, with feather-light delicateness, she took his face in her hands, and Cal knew he was putty.

"Don't," she whispered. "Please don't hide away, not from me." Cal's gaze shifted uncomfortably avoiding hers. "I can't help you if you don't let me in Cal."

"You can't fix everyone, Gil."

"And life doesn't wrap itself up in a neat little bow like my romance novels. I know that."

"Truth or happiness..." Cal muttered softly.

"Never both," she finished with a soft sigh. Which one did you want, love, Cal thought pleadingly.


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry Reader, I know the last chapter was a little on the short side. Hopefully this one will somewhat soothe the savage beast. Some of these chapters lean more towards drabbles, but I'm pleased to hear you are enjoying them. Thank you so much to everyone who has been leaving their thoughts, comments and reviews. They make my day, and help me to write even better stories for you. I am doing my best to provide regular updates with a busy school and work schedule, so please bear with me. As a long time FF-reader, I do know how frustrating it is to find a wonderful story and the writer rarely posts new chapters. Am as we speak, or rather, as I write, working diligently on the next chapters. So without further ado, thanks for reading, if you are a new reader please don't make me beg for more reviews, and I hope you enjoy it. ^_^

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Cal didn't know what to say. No, that was a lie. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but his tongue had been immobilized. She wasn't ready to hear any declarations of love. Was she? What if he hadn't been able to read her because she had never even considered the possibility of them being something more than friends and co-workers? His usual immovable confidence wasn't merely shaky, it was shattered. He had never been so vulnerable, not even with Zoe. He couldn't really blame her resenting Gillian.

There was just something about her. Something so warm, inviting, so accepting and trusting. Like the disarming way she was staring at him now. Looking straight passed his eyes it seemed, into his very soul. Implicit trust, and a subtle sort of confidence. She knew as well as he did, whatever it was, she would eventually get it out of him. Avoiding her eyes now wouldn't make any difference but to postpone the inevitable, Cal had already lost the war. Cal cleared his throat uncomfortably. But no, he couldn't. But he to try.

"I think you should stay here." Gillian didn't know what she had expected him to say. Not this, though it wasn't an entirely unwelcome invitation. But she had hoped for something more than his sympathy.

"What about Emily?"

"We have the guest room," Cal suggested casually. Damnit, this wasn't working the way he had hoped at all. God why was it so hard to admit what he really wanted? Say what was burning a hole in his chest where his heart was? I want you to stay here forever. I want to wake up next to you every day. Those damnably difficult three words. What was he so afraid of?

That she would crush him. Not that anyone like Gillian would ever do such a thing, no matter how justified... But the fact remained that she could. That somehow without his realizing it, he had given her power over him no one else could boast of possessing. The power to utterly destroy him. Not even Zoe, malignant and caustic as she could be, had that power.

"I don't want to be an imposition. There's hotels, until I find my own place..."

"Gil,"

"Yes, Cal?"

"I don't want to lose you," he confessed softly. Gillian felt her heart skip a beat. He couldn't possibly be talking about what she hoped, but maybe...

"What are you talking about Cal? You're not going to lose me. It'd just be across town. I'm not leaving the group."

"I'm not talking about the group." Gillian frowned slightly. Confusion. Spit it out Cal. "I should never have slept with Zoe," Cal blurted out honestly. "I..."

"Cal," Gillian began warningly. Too much, she begged silently. They had always been honest and open with each other. Not that they had much choice otherwise. Gillian had known he'd slept with her again before he'd even said anything to her, but she didn't want to talk about Zoe. She'd shed enough tears today. And now he was going to tell her that he still loved her, and was going to move heaven and Earth to get her to leave that Roger guy, and...

Cal watched as her face metamorphosed into a potpourri of emotions and inner-turmoil, twisting, conflicting, fighting for dominance. Sympathy and resolution dissolved into poorly concealed disappointment, sadness, hurt.

"No, I... We should have talked about this as soon as it happened. I don't know all the reasons why it happened..."

"Because you still love her, Cal." Gillian felt her heart sink. She wanted her whole body to sink. Just melt away into nothingness. It was hard to believe only hours ago, she had been brave enough, strong enough to write her note to Alec. She hadn't been scared then. Her whole world as she knew it would fall apart, but there was still Cal, always Cal. Now she had nothing. Oh sure, Cal would always be there, at work monday through friday staying entirely too long, for impromptu lunches, a phone call away... But how could that ever be enough now that she had finally admitted to herself what she had long felt for him? Hadn't she paid her penance for settling second-best? Hadn't ten-years of watching him chase after someone else been good enough? Gillian felt her eyes tearing up and pretended to be fascinated with the carpet, their toes, anything to avoid him seeing her crying for the countless hundredth time today. He must think I'm an idiot, weak...

"No Gil, I don't," Cal replied firmly. "Gillian, look at me," he begged. And he was begging, she could hear that much in his voice, but still it too her a few minutes to steel herself to meet his intense gaze. For a moment he simply meet her eyes, willing all the walls to come down in front of her, and said nothing. Not because he had nothing to say, but because to say anything then would have ruined it. Her eyes shimmered with tears. There was no more holding back, no carefully constructed mask of neutrality, just Cal. Just as he was. Just as he felt.


	11. Chapter 11

"Gil, I..." Cal began, finally after multiple attempts, of opening and closing his mouth stupidly, like some sort of fish. Evidently, Cal simply wasn't meant to tell Gillian how he felt, however, as he was once again interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. "Damnit! Sorry," he apologized immediately, noticing she had bristled at his outburst. "Lightman," he answered shortly.

"Don't take me off the payroll," the other end of the line blurted out.

"Loker?" What did he want, Alec knew Gillian was here, surely he hadn't returned to the office again. "This had better be good." Gillian shot him a glare which clearly instructed him to play nice, Cal ignored it.

"Turn on your tv."

Cal passed these instructions on to Gillian, following her with the phone into the living room.

"Which channel?" Cal asked.

"Doesn't matter," Loker replied grimly, but Gillian was already stepping back from the television, hand raised to mouth in shock and horror. Cal caught enough over her shoulder.

"We'll be right in," Cal replied, Gillian nodded, still not tearing her eyes away from the nightmarish images and the ticker tape of CNN.

"Sorry about your day off."

"Did you blow up the bus?"

"No, of course not."

"Did you know about it before the explosion? Could you have prevented it?"

"No."

"Then don't apologize. We'll be right in." No sooner had Cal hung up the phone, then it was ringing once more. Christ, he'd never been so damn popular.

"I'll meet you there," Gillian whispered, shutting off the tv and grabbing her purse from the coffee table. Cal nodded frustratedly, as she ducked out the door.

"Zoe?"

"Have you seen the news yet?"

"Yeah, just now."

"Where are you?"

"Work."

"They closed Emily's school. Will she be alright over there with you?"

"Yeah, of course, but why..."

"Look Cal, I've got to go. we can touch base when I get there." And with a loud click she was gone. Cal threw on his coat before God decided to call on him too, and raced out the door.


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry, damn midterms kept me from updating. Grrr... Anyway a bit longer than some of the previous chapters, and a bit of resolution for our favorite pair. Hooray! Thanks very much to all who have reviewed for me. Whether you are following this story, or have just joined us, please leave your thoughts, comments, reviews, suggestions... Your comments help me to write you even better chapters and stories. Thanks, and enjoy!

--Amanda N. Lupin

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"Where's Foster?" Cal demanded, slamming through the doors at warp speed. He had to warn her Zoe on her way. "Sorry," he apologized breathless, reconsidering a surprised looking Heidi at her desk.

"She's in the conference room, Dr. Lightman." A muttered thanks and he speeding off again.

"Hey," Cal whispered coming to stand beside her to take in the events on the large television screen.

"Hey," she whispered back relieved, softly taking his hand in hers and squeezing it. He squeezed back, Gillian's eyes watered.

"C'mon," he whispered pulling her away from the screen and the conference room. If she stayed in there, she would put on that brave face and never allow anyone to know how much the events had shaken her. This wasn't just a terrorist attack on a bus, it was like a personal attack on her, Foster loved children. Her relief when he shut the door was immediately palpable.

"God, Cal," she choked softly. "A school-bus. Of all the public transportation, they blew up a school-bus." Cal held out his arms and Gillian raced gratefully into them. "Tell me it's okay," she pleaded in a nearly inaudible whisper. "Please." She would ask him to do that. To lie, when all he ever wanted, all he ever tried to be was honest with her. She was the one person in all the world he could always be honest with...

"It's not okay. Parents are going to be burying their children." Gillian let out a sob. True her Sophie hadn't died, but she knew the heartache of loss all to acutely. "But we'll be okay," Cal soothed, lifting her gaze to his. She laughed, but there was something hollow in it, something broken about it. It wasn't the usual light-hearted laugh that they shared, something sinister had taken over it, broken it.

"How is it you can be lie to anyone but me?" Because you're the only one I trust not to leave me if I am honest and vulnerable, Cal thought fleetingly. He shrugged.

"You'd see through any lie, love." Gillian shook her head.

"No, that's not it. Not entirely anyway, Eli and Ria see through most of them, but you still lie to them." Cal shrugged again. I care about you too much, to lie to you.

"If I thought that lying would be the better for you, I would, but we both know what the consequences would be in the long run. We'll be alright," he repeated. Gillian smiled softly, straightening back up and pulling slowly back from his arms.

Screw it. Time was a silly concept. Who really knew how much anyone had, anyway? If Cal waited for the right time to tell Foster how he felt about her, it might never come. Cal had never put much faith in words anyway.

Gillian lingered pulling away from him, rather bereft to loose contact with him, and was suddenly stunned to find his lips on hers. It was gentle, delicate, tentative, not really as she had imagined his kisses would be, though she knew this had to be the work of her imagining. Recovering from her initial shock and melting back into him, she reciprocated the gesture. Hell, it was all a dream anyway, right?

Who sighed, Cal couldn't say, perhaps they had both. Light fingers trailed up his back, threading through his hair as he pulled her tight to him: two bodies melding into one indistinguishable form, filling each other's every hole, want and flaw. God Cal held his every dream in his arms, she was perfect, and she was kissing him. Love that he had felt and found himself incapable of expressing poured out him as he kissed and embraced her. Love beyond reckoning pooled in her beautiful blue eyes, washing in waves over him. He was happily drowning in them.

A sudden clearing of someone's throat finally broke them apart. Zoe leaned against the door frame, arms folded smugly across her chest, her face oozing jealousy, contempt, hate... Damnit! "Our daughter is waiting for you in the lobby," she said cooly with scathing emphasis on his responsibility and her connection with him that Gillian would never have, like daggers into Foster's heart. It hadn't been a dream. It had been real. No, it was some kind of nightmare.

Gillian moved away, but not before Cal arrested her wrist, meeting her eyes. She didn't have the time to hide it, didn't have the will, and anyway he would have seen right through it anyway, just as he always did. She was hurt-yet another man in a string of them that couldn't love her. Heartbroken. Afraid. Cal still loves her, she thought miserably. I knew it. No, Cal thought vehemently seeing the battle waged across her face. No, Gil don't.

"Tell her I'll be right there," he instructed Zoe, deciding. Confusion. Gillian opened her mouth to ask, but Cal never gave her the opportunity. She loves me, he thought ecstatic. She loves me! I'm never letting her go, he swore more to himself, willing his thoughts into his kiss. Gillian had just enough awareness to take note of Zoe leaving the office in a huff, and to think that this, this searing, all-consuming, passionate kiss was what she had always imagined and dreamed his kisses would be.


	13. Chapter 13

A soft knock and an uncertain "Dad?" were the only warning for the entwined pair before Cal's office door swung open. "Oh, oops."

Damn. Gillian quickly extricated herself from Cal and backed up to a more respectable business-as-usual space.

"Oh, sorry Em. Your mother leave?"

"Oh, er yeah."

Gillian had started her sad retreat from the office, when Cal suddenly returned to himself, and noticed her leaving.

"Gil," he called, stopping her dead in her tracks. "We'll talk later, yeah?" he asked hoping he was hiding his nervousness. Confusion, and then the clouds broke. Happiness. Hope. She smiled.

"Sure Cal, later."

Cal watched her go, while Emily watched her father with great interest.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Em?"

"What was that?"

"Long overdue," Cal answered finally. Deciding Emily was too much his daughter and had time and time again proved it a futile effort to lie to her, he waited for the impending stern lecture, perhaps some incredulity or cries of foul play. What Cal Lightman did not expect was for his daughter to break into a small, delighted smile.

"No wonder mom was so pissed when she left."

"What no lecture?"

"About what," Emily asked, looking puzzled. Cal shrugged, shaking his head.

"She's going to be staying with us for a bit, Gillian."

"Why?" Ah, here it was, Cal thought, bracing himself.

"She's getting a divorce, and there's no sense in her flushing her paycheck when we have a perfectly good guest room not being used. Besides, someone has to make sure she eats something besides those damn puddings and orange slushies."

"The guest room? No I mean why is it only temporary? Why just a bit? And why would you put her up in the guest room?"

"Wha'?" Cal sputtered confused. "Where else would we put her?"

"Oh I don't know," Emily replied, each syllable dripping sarcasm. "your room?"

"What on you on about?"

"YOU LOVE HER!" Emily shouted impatiently. "What are you on about?!?" Cal shushed her looking about worriedly, but everyone was still in the conference room. "Well you do. I know you do," she insisted stubbornly. "You always have, at least since I learned how to read it." Emily said stubbornly. "She loves you too, you know."

"You can't know that," Cal replied softly. Even I don't know that. I know what I hope I saw, what I hope I felt from her...

"I do, dad. I was talking to her last week. No, not about this," Emily justified quickly. "I just needed someone to talk to, about..." she paused nervously. "You and mom." So she knew.

"Em, that was..."

"A big mistake," she interrupted. "You really hurt her, you know."

"Your mum?"

"You know that's not who we're talking about here."

"Don't be smart."

"Then don't play stupid."

"So, you were talking with her about me and your mum..." he prompted, deciding to drop it.

"It just seemed like you both forgot how awful it was when you were together, fighting all the time, yelling... You're much happier with her than you ever were with mom."

"You told her that?!?" Emily had at least the good sense to look a bit embarrassed on this count.

"I had to tell her something she didn't already know so I could get an honest reaction," she explained quickly. "She wasn't thrilled with you and mom spending all that time together either, but when I told her you were happier with her she seemed surprised, hopeful, happy. She loves you dad."


End file.
